Stunt Man
by Sasery
Summary: After Snape's MYSTERIOUS (oh brother) disappearence, Harry and Ron attempt to apparate in order to follow their new teacher: LUCIUS MALFOY! Only to find themselves stuck in the muggle world... where they're just characters. Lots of randomness ensues. ^_^
1. Angst

DISCLAIMER: I own many things. The brownie I am eating, the clothes I am wearing, this account, some jewelry, a bed, a drum set, and an abundance of socks. A few things I don't own include Spiderman, Harry Potter, any other random referances, and any people I happen to mention that actually exsist. 

I think I should just apologize right now to JK Rowling, for making a mockery of her books with this story of plotless doom, and to Severus Snape for making a mockery of him for putting him in this story of plotless doom.

Chappy One

Angst

_"The heart, Osbourne!__ First, we attack his heart!"_

These words played over and over in Harry's mind. He wondered if there was someway to let Voldemort know that he cared very much for the Dursleys.

Life at Privet Drive was just as boring as usual… perhaps even more so. No matter how many times Harry tried to explain that he was severly traumatized from his previous year at Hogwarts and that a fully restored Dark Lord could attack at any moment, the Dursleys cut him no slack whatsoever. His schedual was thus:

Wake up.

Make breakfast.

Eat breakfast.

Clean up breakfast.

Random chores.

Make lunch.

Eat lunch.

Clean up lunch.

More random chores.

Eat dinner. (Aunt Petunia makes it)

Clean up dinner.

Go to sleep.

Boring, eh? This was nothing that a hero such as himself should be doing… er… I mean, he felt insecure at the Dursleys… yeah. He didn't want to be there because he was frightened… and insecure… *nods*

Every day was so similar, that his whole summer was mish-moshed into one box on the calendar. This box happened to be labled August 25th. Yey! Time to go!

Harry rushed down the stairs (yes, he was upstairs) and ran into the kitchen to confront the Dursleys who were watching that uber spiffy TV they got in the third book. 

Vernon didn't look away from the screen, "Yes, yes. An evil Dark Lord is coming to kill us all and you need a hug, _we know."_

Petunia grunted in agreement, and Dudley grinned. (Not a pretty sight since his face was stuffed with cupcakes)

Why is he always getting fatter, anyway? I shall make the little git skinny!

Petunia grunted in agreement, and Dudley grinned. (Not a pretty sight since his face was stuffed with celery.)

Mwahahahahahahahaha… *cough*

Harry sighed. "No it's not that! Well… not this time at least… I need some one to give me a ride to Diago… er… that magical place… er… I need some one to give me a ride!"

Vernon grinned, "Why would I drive you anywhere? You're just going to do something _abnormal. And I emphasize the __abnormal part!"_

"Yes well…" Harry stuttered, but stopped because it reminded him of his very angstful and traumatizing first year. "I promise I'll be out of your hair for a year."

His uncle already had his coat on and was heading out the door. "Hurry up, boy!"

Harry scampered upstairs to retreive his belongings. 

*     *     *

He sighed contentedly. Here he was, in Diagon Alley, surrounded by lots of people who were magically magical and could save him from evil Dark Lords and give him hugs. The first person to do so (the hugging part, not the evil Dark Lord part) was Hermione.

"Harry!" She cried. "I'm so glad to see you!" She grinned at him, and squeezed him harder. (*decides to add some fluff*) There were tears streaming down her face as she pushed him arms length away and said, "I _really am Harry…"_

Harry felt his eyes begin to water as well. "Me too, Hermione, me—" He was cut off when he was attacked from behind by… Ron!

Ron wrapped his arms (which were enlongigated for this scene) around the two of them. "Guys! I've missed you so much!" All three of them cried. It was very sweet. 

"GROUP HUG!" Some random shopper called, and pretty soon everyone in Diagon Alley was hugging eachother in one large mass of people. This proved to be misfortunate indeed. The hug was so wide that no one could move, and they were all stuck there for many hours until the H.A.C.T arrived. (Hug Abuse Cleanup Team)

"Eep." Harry muttered, once all of the random shoppers had been cleared away. Being the center of a group hug that large is not a pretty thing.

"Time to go to school!" Hermione chirped happily.

"What?" Harry said incredilously. "But I just got here… I have to get my stuff… It's August 25th!"

Ron shrugged. "We've been here for hours, we bought all your stuff for you and…" He looked at his watch. "It is September 1st! TO THE TRAIN!"

The three were magically transported to Kings Cross Station Thingy.

*     *     *

"Tell us!" Hermione and Harry whined

"Nope!" Ron smirked happily. "I shan't say nothing if you don't say please."

"Please!"

"NOTHING! HAHA!!!" Ron laughed maniacally, completely unaware that this joke had been used before.

"TELL US NOW OR I'LL HEX YOU!!!!" Hermione roared, standing up from where she had knelt at Ron's feet.

"Yeah…!" Harry cried, trying to sound as intimidating and failing miserably.

"Er… right." Ron cleared his throat. "Snape isn't going to be at Hogwarts!" He said gleefully.

Harry and Hermione stared at him, unable to believe that their greatest dream had just come true.

"How… how do you know?" Harry asked shakily.

Ron grinned. "You know. My family is all 'close to the Dumbledore' so he tells us stuff, and Snape disappeared after apparating to a Death Eater meeting!"

"Eep!" Harry winced at the mention of Death Eaters.

"Whoops, sorry, Harry! I forgot you were all traumatized and crap…"

"It's really quite all right, friend Ron. Let us partake in celebrating!"

"YEEEEY!" They shouted in unison, and began to whoop and hollar, dancing about like morons and having a ruddy good time doing so.

Its rather sad that not one of them gave a damn over Snape's safety. For this they must pay…

*     *     *

"So." Harry began, as they rode in those carriages without horses towards the castle. "Why do you think Snape was so abruptly kicked out of the story?"

Hermione quickly explained. "It's obvious, isn't it? I mean, we're going to get some new, mysterious, and plot-worthy potions professor!"

"Five sickles says it's Lupin." Ron said immediatley. 

"I'll take that bet. _I say its some gorgeous dame with a mysterious past and an air of Mary-Sue…" Harry sighed dreamily._

Hermione shook her head. "You're going to lose, Harry. Everyone knows Lupin is supposed to come back this year!"

"But what makes you so sure he's going to be the potions professor?"

Hermione thought. "I suppose you have a point. Five sickles for Lucius Malfoy!"

"Oh, how awfully comforting…" Ron grumbled. 

All three of them hoped that Hermione was wrong for once.

*     *     *

Hermione whistled happily, as she headed to Gryffindor tower, jangling the ten new sickles that now sat in her pocket.

Harry and Ron grumbled behind her. "This is just great!" Ron moaned. "Now instead of a double-agent with an unpleasant disposition, we get a full-fledged Death Eater who would sooner daintily bite your head off than give you a passing glance!"

Harry twitched.

"Oops. Sorry, mate."

"No problem." Harry said through clenched teeth.

"I mean, I can understand how you must feel! He's practically You-Know-Who's right hand man! You must be frightened to death! I mean, now that he's in the school he can kill you at any time!"

"Thanks for the reassurance, Ron."

"If I were you, I wouldn't even go to potions class ever! Hell! I'd be scared to leave the dormatory! I bet he can find you there, though. You better keep your guard on at all times! Can you imagine if he…"

"RON! I'D APPRECIATE IF YOU TOOK A DIFFERENT ROUTE IN COMFORTING ME!" 

"Oops. Sorry, mate."

"No problem." Harry said through clenched teeth. He suddenly decided it was a good idea to walk with Hermione instead.

*     *     *

"Rooooon!" Harry whispered impatiently, shaking Ron's shoulder. "Wake up! Come on! Its time to get up, Ron!"

His friend opened his eyes groggily. "What time is it?"

Harry checked his watch idly. "Five-Ten-Fifteen-Twenty! It's 2:20 AM!"

Ron had already fallen back to sleep.

"Come on! We gotta go follow Malfoy!"

"He's probably staying in bed, abiding by the rules, and sleeping peacefully…"

"No! Malfoy Sr.! I was down at the potions lab spying on him, trying to get myself into some serious danger, when he left! I saw him heading towards the front doors! We have to see what he's up to!"

"By golly, you're right!" Ron said, leaping up from the bed. "TO THE ENTRANCE HALL!"

They hid themselves beneath the sanctuary of Harry's invisibilty cloak and slipped out into the night. (What a ridiculously random discriptive sentence…)

*     *     *

The two gasped. 

"HE'S HEADED TO THE FORBIDDEN FOREST!" They whispered in unison, and turned, wide-eyed, back to Lucius. Boy howdy, could he lurk! He didn't even need an invisibility cloak! It was as if he was surrounded permanatley by shadows particularly useful for lurking. He quickly glanced both ways (safety first) and slipped into the trees.

"Egads!"Harry said sharply, poudning his fist on Ron. "We must follow him!"

"I don't think that's such a good idea, Harry… Don't you remember my extreme phobia of spiders?"

"Oh come on, Ron! What are the chances that we'll be nearly eaten _again?" Harry answered. (Red Herring alert.)_

"I suppose you're right." Ron said thoughtfully. "TO THE FOREST!"

*     *     *

Harry was distraught. "ARGH! TOO MANY SCENE CHANGES!"

"And we've been walking in this bloody forest for hours! How big can it possibly… be…" Ron began, but stopped as they reached the edge of the forest. "Well, that was convenient."

"But where's Malfoy?" He walked out just in time to see their stalkee apparate. "Shucks! How are we supposed to get him now?"

Ron walked to the spot where Lucius had stood. "We'll follow him." He said determinedly.

"Ron, are you crazy!!?!?" Harry asked his friend in disbelief. "You don't know how to apparate! You're going to get yourself splinched!"

"No I won't!" He insisted. "How hard can it be? I mean, you guess you just concentrate on where you want to go and…"

"But we don't know where he went!!"

"Oh… right… Well… Perhaps if we just concentrate on Malfoy, we'll end up next to him…"

"That's just stupid enough to work…" Harry pondered.

And the famous last words were…. "What could possibly go wrong?" 

Thus… They apparated.

END OF CHAPPY ONE

Wow. Akee… what a random idea… The plot begins with the next chappy! Which I'm writing right now anyway, so who cares? And I know Hermione isn't in this, but she would be able to solve their predicament in five minutes, and whats the fun of that? REVIEW OR DIE, MORTALS!!!


	2. More Angst

Wow… reviews. Ain't I the special one? It doesn't matter, I'm not writing it for you, I'm writing it for ME! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I mean… REVIEW!!!! Shall I get on with it, then?

DISCLAIMER: I hate these things, and shall never write another one fer this ficcy again! See the first chappy! _

Chappy Two

More Angst

"Oomph."

They landed somewhere.

"Ron, where are we?" Harry asked, standing up and looking around. As far as he could tell, they were on a rather empty street full of shops. But that was only as far as he could tell.

"How the bloody hell should I know, Harry!" Ron retaliated, "It wasn't _my _idea to go apparating to God-knows-where!"

"Actually, it was…"

"Oh. Well, then I suppose we're just hopelessly lost." Said Ron with a shrug.

"All right, as long as we're not… WE'RE WHAT!?" Harry shrieked.

"Er… Well… Maybe Malfoy did come here! We just have to look for him! Maybe imagining him only took us to… to where he went!" He nodded assuringly.

"Oh. Okay. Off we go then?" Harry said. 

"WAIT!" Ron stopped him. "Look! A muggle shoppy thing! With electronicky things! MUST… BE… AMAZED…"

Harry turned to where his friend was looking, and sure enough, there was an electronics store. He shrugged. What harm could it do to go inside? Just because they were dressed in Wizard's robes, carrying wands, and the little fact that it was four in the morning… The point being, no one could consider them strange. After all, a 24-hour Electronics store was pretty strange in the first place…

(This makes no sense. Screw the space-time continueum)

It was twelve in the afternoon on Saturday. And, as far as Harry could tell, they were on a busy street full of shops. And it's a normal electronics store. D'accord? Let's continue.

And so, the abnormally delighted Ron and abnormally nonchalant Harry spelunked into the store.

The red head rushed over to a rather normal looking television and poked it. "Look, Harry! See the people move!?" He continued poking it. "We wizards don't have things like this!" He added gleefully.

"Ron. Shut. Up." As his anger raised so did his voice, and it got louder with each word until he was almost shouting. "Can't you see we're in the middle of a _muggle shop full of _muggles_? We can't just go blabbering about _wizards_ because the _muggles_ don't know about us _wizards _and if they did than the whole _wizarding_ world would be destroyed! The ministry of _magic_ wouldn't be able to put a _memory charm_ on the whole bloody world! Not even _Howarts, _school of __Witchcraft__ and _Wizardry_ would be safe from the _muggles_ who had found out about the _wizarding _world all because of you!"_

"Erm… Harry?" Ron pulled on the back of his robes and gestured around the store. Everyone was staring at them, blinking in unison.

"Er… right. Lost the happy for a second! We'll just be going now…" They carefully made their way to the door, not turning their back to the people. At the last moment they ran, and didn't stop running until they reached the next block. 

*     *     *

Ron: I… am amazed.

Harry: I… am worried.

Me: Wait… what the hell?

"I… am amazed." said Ron.

"I… am worried." said Harry.

"That's better." said Me.

How utterly pointless.

They stood on some random street, becoming bored since nothing important to the plot was happening….

END OF CHAPTER TWO

Ron: What? You can't just end it there!

Me: Oh, but I can! I said I would update today, and I did. End of story.

Harry: But nothing happened!

Me: Oh, come on! You actually think _anything_ is going to happen in this fic?

Harry: Well… I suppose not… But--!

Me: Ah ah ah! Next time! I promise something plotful will happen next time! *cringes* I hope your happy.

Right. This would be a wonderful time to read every other story I have posted right now, and review them. If there is more than one chappy then review fer each. And make sure you review fer this!! And come back in a few minutes since I'm about to update Campfire!! SQUEEEEE!! ^_____^ *dances the funky chicken*


	3. ANGST ANGST ANGST

Wow… It would appear that I have sunk as low as all the people I can't stand because they never update… oh well… HOORAH FER HYPOCRICY!!! ^___^

Chappy Three

ANGST ANGST ANGST

Where was I? Ah… yes… standing on the street being bored….

"I'm bored." Said Ron.

I'd better cause a rukus…

"AAAAAHHH!" A pathetic scream was heard from not far away.

"Some one is in trouble! Oh dear!" Ron cried, clapping his hand over his mouth.

"Never fear, faithful sidekick, Ron! HARRY POTTER TO THE RESCUE!!!" He raised his fist dramatically and headed in the direction that the scream had come from. Ron hastily bought a donut from a confused vendor and followed.

Harry approached a rather sizeable crowd surrounding a small tree. You know, the ones lining streets that landscaping people put their so we can pretend that our beautiful earth isn't slowly flushing down the toilet of metropolitan doom? *cough* I think you get what I mean…

A little girl was weepping bitterly (I love that term! ^_^) as an elderly woman tried to comfort her. 

"Can't anyone save my kitty!?!?" The girl cried dramatically. She dropped to her knees in emotional anguish. (That one too!)

A random police officer walked by. "What seems to be the problem here?" He asked. 

"My grand-daughter's kitten is stuck in that tree!" The elderly woman replied sadly. 

The officer glanced at the tree, sizing it up. It was about four feet tall, a good foot and a half shorter than him. "I'm sorry, I can't help you…"

"Meow!" The kitty meowed.

The girl cried harder.

"WAIT!" A voice called above the crowd. Harry jumped amidst the people, and struck a pose. "I can save your kitty!"

The girl squealed in delight. "Really???" 

"Sure!" Harry replied. He marched towards tree confidently, but once he was there, he bit his lip. He could see the kitten. It was sitting on one of the branches right at his eye-level. (He's short, remember? O_O)

"Meow!" The kitty meowed thankfully.

"Er…" Harry pondered. There was no way he could get this kitten out of the tree. But he couldn't let everyone down! He turned to Ron, who was at the back of the crowd eating his donut. (A crispy crème, by the way. *drools* @.@) He looked thoughtful, and then pantomimed waving a wand.

"Brilliant!" Harry cried. He pointed away from the tree. "LOOK! IT'S THE GOODYEAR BLIMP!"

"Where???" Everyone turned to stare in the direction he had indicated.

"_Wingardium Leviosa." Harry whispered, waving his wand dramatically. The kitty began to levitate._

"Meow???????" The kitty meowed.

It floated directly into his arms. He shoved his wand away, and held the cat proudly. The crowd was still staring stupidly where Harry had told them to.

"I don't see no Goodyear Blimp!" A man yelled at last.

They all turned back around to see the kitty ferociously clawing at Harry's face and arms. 

"GET IT AWAY!" He shrieked.

"Harrypotter!" The girl squealed and ran up to Harry.

"How do you…"

She grabbed the cat, who insantly stopped scratching and began purring. She stroked it lovingly. "Oh! Harrypotter, I'll never let you climb a tree again! I'm so glad you're safe!"

Harry stood, rather confused before the crowd finally turned their attention to him. 

"That was amazing! How did you do it?" One woman asked exitedly. 

Harry shrugged modestly. "You know… I just sort of… got the kitty out of the tree…"

"That's my friend!" Ron squeed proudly, weilding his half eaten donut.

"I'm afraid I'll have to confiscate that, son." The officer said hastily.

"Why?" Ron asked, defensivley clutching his precious donut.

"Erm… That is classified information… YOINK!" He grabbed the donut from him.

"NOOOOOOO!" Ron cried. Harry led him away comfortingly. The crowd had pretty much lost interest and wandered back to their boring lives.

The officer stood thoughtfully. "No normal boy could have done such an amazing feet… I'm getting to the bottum of this!" He took a bite out of Ron's donut. "Oooh! Crissssssppppyyy Creeeeeemmmeeee…"

END OF CHAPPY THREE

O_O Sometimes I confuse myself… Amazing how I can actually get plots for stuff without any previous contemplation… hm…. ___… ___ …___ … ___ 

REEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVVIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!


	4. TSGNA

Harry and Ron sit ranomly on a sidewalk, leaning against the wall of a random building. Harry is perfroming various tricks with one of those little dinky yo-yo's you get at the dentist and Ron is banging a stick on the ground.

Me: Hey guys!

They simultaneously look up, stare a moment, and continue what they were doing.

Me: *sigh* Fine. I'm sorry, okay? It's just… er… I was busy… saving the world and stuff…

Harry: Bull! You were too lazy!

Me: *shrug* What are you gonna do about it?

Ron: *tries to throw his stick at me, misses, and quite miraculously bonks himself on the nose* 

Harry: Can we start the chapter NOW???

Me: Fine… _O

TSGNA

"It's not fair!" Ron sobbed. They sat on a bench at an intersection, clearly at a bus stop.

"How did that little girl know my name?" Harry pondered aloud, not paying the least bit of attention to his hysterical friend.

Ron continued, "That was my only donut! I mean, it's not like I had two. If I had two I would have given him one! I WOULD HAVE!" 

"And why did she name her kitty after me?"

"Oh, the agony! The suffering! The pain! What did I do to deserve such torture!?"

"I mean, I know I'm famous, but she was clearly a muggle. Otherwise she could have rescued the kitty by herself…"

"WHAT'S THIS WORLD COMING TO!??!?!?!" Ron threw himself on the ground in despair.

Harry stood up suddenly, as if struck in the head by a goat that was chewing on an idea. "Ron- chill.  I have a plan!"

"You do?" Ron sniffled hopefully.

"No. Wanna get on that bus that's randomly pulling up?"

Ron shrugged. "Kay." 

*     *     *

It was not a comfortable situation. Harry and Ron had chosen the only empty seat which happened to be directly in the back, and people kept turning around to stare at them before frowning or blushing and returning to their original position. 

A younger looking woman glanced their way and coughed for the fifteenth time, and Ron had had enough. This was already a stressful day without a younger looking woman coughing at him fifteen times.

He stood up and marched to her seat, staring at her directly in the eye. If Harry wasn't zoning out(as he often did) he might have prevented Ron's temper from getting the best of him.

"Excuse me." Ron said with sarcastic sweetness. "But is there a problem? I couldn't help but notice you COUGHING IN MY DIRECTION EVERY FIVE SECONDS! Just tell me what you want and stop disrupting my life!"

Her back was pressed entirley against her seat, her eyes wide. "Er… I was just wondering…"

"WHAT!? WHAT WERE YOU WONDERING!?!?"

"Could I have your autograph?" She asked after hesitating slightly. 

Ron shook his head. "I'm sorry… _My _autograph? Sure you don't mean _his?_" He jerked his thumb towards Harry who was starting to drool by now.

"Er, yeah. Pretty sure."  She offered him a pen and a gum wrapper.

Tears were in his eyes as Ron clumsily signed the wrapper. "Bless you." He smiled. "Bless you." The bus came to a jerking halt, snapping Harry out of his reverie and throwing Ron rather comically into the windshield. Harry decided this to be a perfectly random opportunity to exit the bus.

"You'll never guess what happened!" Ron chirpped happily, skipping alongside Harry. 

"What?"

"Some lady wanted my autograph!" He grinned.

Harry burst out laughing. "_Your_ autograph? How dumb do you think I am, Ron? Honestly, barely anyone's even heard of you, let alone want your autograph! I think you dreamed it…"

  
Ron seethed. "You were there! You saw it happen!"

"No… see… I…" Harry fumbled with his words. "I was so deeply lost in dramatic thoughts that I… er… wasn't paying attention… yeah…"

"YOU MEAN NO ONE WILL EVER ACKNOWLEDGE MY MOMENT OF TRIUMPH!?"

"Pretty much…"

Ron sighed. He decided not to reply since there has been too much dialogue for the author's liking. 

"There you are!" Came a voice from behind them. Before they knew what was happening, some one roughly dragged them into a car and sped off…

END

Mwahahahahahahaha…. Okay. There. I updated. Huzzah. The title might actually come into play, finally! Wait… naw…. Like that would ever happen. X) Yeah… REVIEW.


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